Know what's worse than missing someone when they're not with you?
Missing someone when they are with you.
That's how I felt this past weekend whenever I looked at my dad. Sure, he's there physically right in front of me. But, I feel like he's missing. Cancer has a way of doing that to people.
He has to sleep propped up on a recliner in the living room now because he can't breath well at night. Poor mom, all alone in that big bed. Wouldn't be surprised if she's sleeping on the couch next to him.
Dad doesn't talk much now. His talking is usually interrupted by fits of coughing. He can't talk loud or long. What's worse... he can't sing. Singing is our love, our family tradition, our ministry, our joy. When dad sings with his girls, he just beams. But now, he'll have to just play the guitar for us while we sing.
The Lord's prayer is not quite as good without dad's strong male voice ushering a sense of awe.
It's just hard to go home now to see my family and feel like part of the household is missing. A piece is gone. Dad is still here, but he's not the same dad that I've always known. He shows more pain, admits his frailty more readily, and surrenders his tasks more often to the able hands of his wife or daughters.
But, he's still dad.
He was outside in the chilly morning air planting bulbs. He can still impress even himself with his guitar playing. He gets the heartiest laughs at the dinner table. He would pause a moment to lovingly pet one of the cats. He is still shy around people.
Some things never change.
Although a part of my dad is missing, he is still the wonderful father that God gave me. God did a an amazing thing when He wrought my father in the womb.
He shall be a man of quiet strength. He shall know when to speak and when to be silent. He shall "provide things honest in the sight of all men." He shall have a high sense of morality, responsibility, honesty and unwavering loyalty. He shall have a faith as solid as stone. He shall be a man of integrity. He shall have and impart wisdom. He shall be called, "beloved."
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Please join me in praying for my father, that God would provide a quite peace to flood his soul. It would be our greatest desire for God to heal him, but we also know that God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He is in control.
I remember a night many years ago, when I complained to my father about a lingering hip displacement that was causing me much pain and agony. I told him my woes and asked, "why do I have this problem? Why won't God just fix me?" My dad paused for a moment to collect his thoughts, then carefully replied with, "though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.*"
That made a profound impression on my young mind.
And now, as my dad battles his worst enemy, he is a living example of the very words he uttered that night so many years ago. Although his modesty compels him to stay silent, I speak from witnessing him, that he believes those words. He has that kind of trust.
And again, I'm profoundly impressed.
*Job 13:15
